I feel like I've lost control, off the verve of things, like playing Playstation with a joystick that's not responding, no matter how great your faith or will might be. You think, what and whom should I blame for this. Are things just pre-determined, the matrix of cause and effects, or plainly chaos. It doesn't matter what model you want to work with and hypothesize, because ultimately, there's a heart still breathing, lungs still squirmming for air, and a mind that's pulsing with an electric train of thoughts. Then you realise that I might be in a world that doesn't share the ideas and ideals that have shaped this life of mine. What if. It is like the Twilight Zone, minus the theme. But I am awake and I can figure out that they can take all they want, even whatever dignity that's left and any other semblence of value. It's already nothing to me, really. That's what it feels like to be in the game, where the joystick doesn't work, and the rules and programs don't matter any more. 
But it's not running on automatic. The gaming program is still awaiting the move. It is anticipating strategy which might not be forthcoming from this player. Does it think? Does the game think: how fuzzy is the logic. Does it operate on logic. What sort of ethos dictate its mind? Aristotle? Kohlberg? Even so, thinking does nothing. I think... So What? It is an illusion to assume therefore "one is". It seems to be getting really bad and maybe more Prozac will make the difference. Maybe statins? Maybe a barrage of valium mixed with histamines, alcohol and some caffeine. It will be the new Singapore Sling, now. I think I am missing the point. So I decide to get out... and bike for 25 km, average speed a casual 22.4 km, and just watching the world go pass. Then I realise, the speculative truth, in a rather tantalizingly real way. In just letting it go, and letting life be, and cease all the struggling, I seem finally at peace. I know this, because the pedestrian and jogger on the wrong side of the track or a couple of elderly folks chatting mid-track in a bottleneck, all does not upset me the least. Instead, I slow down, and calmly negotiate the straight path past, and hardly does my dear heart beat hasten. It is another thing when we lose the frenetic for the uncertainty of wide open options. By twilight I am home, the bottle of water on the bike frame untouched, and un-needed. I felt refreshed again, and mindful, of each breadth, no longer a floundering effort, no resistance. I had no idea how bad it got, until I realised I really wanted to get up a high floor and get in more fresh air. The thought was just not thick enough to cut it. It would have be something people do when completely out of their minds!
But it's not running on automatic. The gaming program is still awaiting the move. It is anticipating strategy which might not be forthcoming from this player. Does it think? Does the game think: how fuzzy is the logic. Does it operate on logic. What sort of ethos dictate its mind? Aristotle? Kohlberg? Even so, thinking does nothing. I think... So What? It is an illusion to assume therefore "one is". It seems to be getting really bad and maybe more Prozac will make the difference. Maybe statins? Maybe a barrage of valium mixed with histamines, alcohol and some caffeine. It will be the new Singapore Sling, now. I think I am missing the point. So I decide to get out... and bike for 25 km, average speed a casual 22.4 km, and just watching the world go pass. Then I realise, the speculative truth, in a rather tantalizingly real way. In just letting it go, and letting life be, and cease all the struggling, I seem finally at peace. I know this, because the pedestrian and jogger on the wrong side of the track or a couple of elderly folks chatting mid-track in a bottleneck, all does not upset me the least. Instead, I slow down, and calmly negotiate the straight path past, and hardly does my dear heart beat hasten. It is another thing when we lose the frenetic for the uncertainty of wide open options. By twilight I am home, the bottle of water on the bike frame untouched, and un-needed. I felt refreshed again, and mindful, of each breadth, no longer a floundering effort, no resistance. I had no idea how bad it got, until I realised I really wanted to get up a high floor and get in more fresh air. The thought was just not thick enough to cut it. It would have be something people do when completely out of their minds!
No comments:
Post a Comment