Questions Why (1983)

0300 hrs, 14 September 1983


questions why
i ask myself over,
over again, how?
then reflect on the ancient days
of infancy
of times long past
moments of puerile bashfulness
minutes of awe and joy
smiles and wide-eyed hopes
hours of loneliness
seconds of pain
feelings of having to start all again
i thought
i’ve been through it all
that mine was full of it all
emptiness
wordless silence
unwavering loyalty, of it all
yet i am here
knowing a secret fear -
it only twists within my heart
and whispers,
“aren’t you afraid to start?”
then it begins all again,
no, not the feelings like those before -
but one new and familiar
like same smell of the old rosebush
like vapours of the morning air
the fleeting freshness of fallen dew
and the silence of the night
like the hollow wind
like the pinkish even’ clouds

yes i’ve known this way
before
am i to go where i’ve gone
to go once more?
shall i walk, stroll or run?
or is life to start anew
questions i ask myself
pointless observations of stilled Time:
will her motionless wheels turn once more
or let this moment be eternity
endless as the endless sea?
what of this long trek,
will it also end?
is this pause in time
a moment
held in Eternity
mine?
and if i wait too long
is it a crime?
be still in time
and
breathe
the immense
oceanic expanse
of dawn upon Universe
Dimensions
awakening from
sleep
never knowing
that i alone, alone
in time
have watched all this go by.
then i go on
and forge destiny
and fall helpless
in Life’s fragile sea.



Guard Duty.
Infantry Training Depot, Camp I
Keyed in on the telex machine.